You Don't Have To Be Afraid To Fall In Love
by CapeCodPhoenix
Summary: After losing both Alison and Maya to murder, Emily becomes numb, a shell of her former self. Can Spencer bring back the lively girl who used to be so happy? Can she show Emily it's okay to fall in love? *on hiatus*
1. Intro

**This is my first Spemily fic. Please review!**

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It's been six months since Spencer, Hanna, Emily and Aria found out Mona was 'A'. Six months since Maya was found dead in Emily's back yard. Garret has been charged and convicted for the murders of Alison DiLaurentis and Maya St. Germain.

*Notes for this story*

– There is no more A –

– Spencer and Toby did not get back together –

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**Spencer's POV**

I was in the barn turned loft getting ready for our annual back-to-school sleepover.

In a way things were better now, we could all relax a little more, but we still carried everything that had happened. I still flinched a little whenever I heard my phone. But when I thought about it, I had it easy. It was Hanna and Emily who still bore the brunt of the burden of the last couple years. Hanna, because it had been her best friend that had tortured us, and Emily because it had been the two girls she had fallen in love with that had been murdered.

It was Emily who I worried about most though. She seemed to have been turning to alcohol a little too much lately.

I suppose I couldn't judge. The people I loved had never been taken from me in such a way. Yeah, I had loved Alison, but not in the same way Emily had. We had all seen it, I'd even yelled at Alison about it, the way she led Emily on. I'd wondered though, if Alison had really loved Emily, but was too afraid to admit it. It didn't matter now though, they were dead, and there was nothing I could do to change that.

Aria and Hanna arrived simultaneously. Hanna, who had previously been known to show up 'fashionably late', now had a tendency to show up on time or even early. I think it's because of everything Mona had put us through; we were the only ones who understood. I think it's also because with Mona out of the picture, she doesn't know what to do, especially when Caleb's in California with his mom. If she wasn't with us or Caleb, she had been with Mona. Before Ali's body had been recovered, Mona had become her best friend. She had been there for Hanna in ways we had not in that year.

"Hey guys," I greeted them.

"Hey Spence," Aria said. Hanna merely nodded in my direction.

Aria, at least seemed happier. Her parents were in the middle of a divorce, but they seemed okay with that and so Aria had decided she was okay with it, too. Her family seemed a lot happier. And now that she had gone public with Ezra, Aria enjoyed every minute she spent with him, not that she hadn't before, but it was a lot easier when they didn't have to sneak around.

Emily showed shortly after. Her brown eyes were distant and cold with only a hint of the pain and sorrow inside.

I wondered what was going on in Emily's head. I hated that I didn't know how to comfort her, but then, who did? What do you say to someone that has just lost somebody they loved that makes them feel better? I imagine that there was nothing anyone could say. You don't simply feel better one day. But it was supposed to get easier for them wasn't it? It has to get easier for Emily eventually right?

**Emily's POV**

I could feel Spencer silently analyzing me from the moment I arrived. I knew she was worried about me, they all were, but they didn't understand. How could they?

Spencer wanted so desperately to comfort me in some way, any way, but there wasn't one. She had to know that, and that alone would frustrate her to no end.

It wasn't long after Maya's death that I had stopped letting them in. I flinched at their touch, and no longer allowed them to hug me. I often wondered what they thought about it, but once I let the alcohol settle, none of it mattered anymore. Or at least that's what I let myself believe.

"Hey," I said, sounding detached and miserable.

"Hey, Em," Spencer said softly. I could tell she wanted to pull me into a hug, but she had learned over the last few months, that I wouldn't allow it.

I think they all assumed that I was still having trouble getting over Maya, and they didn't know what to say anymore. It wasn't that I instantly got over Maya, but that wasn't _exactly_ why I had distanced myself from them. I had come to terms with the fact that Maya was dead. I knew she wasn't coming back. Just like Alison wasn't coming back.

I wasn't going to allow anything to happen to somebody else I loved, so I wasn't going to let love in. I had spent the last few months trying to void myself of emotion, and for the most part, I had been able to. I wasn't so sad anymore, instead, I had made myself numb.

It was better this way. For me, and for everyone else.


	2. Chapter 1

**Thanks to all who reviewed :)**

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**Spencer's POV**

The night had been a relatively normal one, apart from Emily. Hanna had gotten drunk and eventually passed out. Aria while, she hadn't gotten drunk, she had a drink or two and fell asleep in the middle of a movie.

Emily had been distant all night, and consumed more alcohol than I should have allowed. She was the only one of my friends that hadn't fallen asleep though.

"You want to watch another movie?" I asked Emily when the one we were watching had ended.

I had noticed Emily hadn't really been watching the movie much. She hadn't been doing much of anything except drinking really. I didn't know what to do, and I hated not knowing.

Emily shrugged and, with a slur, replied, "I don't care."

It was an appropriate answer, I guess, as Emily looked as if she didn't care. Not just about the movie, but about anything at all.

Emily went to take another swig of alcohol, but I grabbed the bottle from her.

"You're cut off," I informed her.

"No, I'm not," Emily said, while attempting to take the bottle back.

I moved the bottle from Emily's reach, "Yes, you are. I should have cut you off at least two hours ago."

Emily shrugged again, "Whatever."

It wasn't an angry 'whatever', it wasn't frustrated or anything. It really seemed as if she didn't care that I had taken away her alcohol. I supposed that was a good thing, but I couldn't believe that it was, only because it wasn't just the alcohol she didn't care about.

"Em," I said hesitantly.

Emily looked up, her gaze not even cold, but emotionless.

"Em, I'm really worried about you," I said.

I saw her eyes flicker from emotionless to sad, to guilty, to worried, and back to emotionless in the span of a single second. It gave me hope that we hadn't lost the sensitive girl with a zest for life that we all loved dearly to the drunken emotionless zombie currently sitting before me.

**Emily's POV**

"Em, I'm really worried about you," Spencer said.

I wasn't expecting Spencer to just come out and say it, I mean I knew they all worried about me, having lost Maya not too long ago, and they all seemed to be walking on eggshells around me still. I supposed since they've never lost someone they were in love with, they wouldn't really know what the mourning time would be, then again, it's probably different for everybody. I didn't want them to worry about me, even though sometimes, when I let my guard down even I worried about me.

I quickly composed myself, so as not to betray my true feelings, the ones that I was trying so hard not to have, to Spencer. I didn't think she'd caught my slip up, but then with Spencer you never can be too sure.

I looked at Spencer, careful to make sure my face stayed carefully composed. She looked lost, and I hated seeing her like that, though I was pretty positive I was the only reason she looked that way right now. I know she hates not knowing what to do. I wished I could let myself let her in, but I knew I couldn't risk it, not again.

"There's no need," I said carelessly.

Spencer's brow furrowed.

"Em…" Spencer said.

I forced a smile, knowing I needed to appease her in some way or she'd never stop. It was a Hastings thing, the need to win. Even in a simple conversation, which, to anybody but a Hastings, had no winner.

"Really, I'm fine," I lied.


	3. Chapter 2

**Please Review! **

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**Spencer's POV**

I woke up in the middle of the night hanging halfway off the couch. I could hear sobbing coming from my bedroom. A quick look around confirmed what I already knew: it was Emily.

I knew she had been lying earlier, when she said she was fine, anybody could have seen that she wasn't. The problem was that none of us knew what we could do to help her.

I got up and quietly headed towards my bedroom, I didn't want to wake up Hanna or Aria, who were still fast asleep. I slipped inside my bedroom, closing the door behind me. Emily was sitting on my bed, her knees curled up to her chest, her head resting on her knees.

It broke my heart to see Emily like this, she was trying so hard not to let us see how broken she was inside. I wondered if she cried like this every night, waiting until no one was awake to hear her.

I sat down next to her, pulling her closer to me. I just held her, letting her cry; I knew she needed to. I wasn't sure she had even noticed my presence, let alone that she was now crying on my shoulder, but I'm sure on some subconscious level she knew I was there. I knew that I didn't know what she was going through, but she needed to know that whatever she was feeling, I would be there for her, we all would, for a shoulder to cry on, or just to listen, or to laugh with when times got better. And they would get better.

I rocked Emily back and forth for a few minutes before she finally noticed me.

"Spence?" Emily said.

"I'm here, Em," I said softly.

Emily pulled away from me; she seemed to be desperately trying to stop her tears from flowing down her face, but it wasn't working.

"I thought you were sleeping," Emily said.

"I was," I said, "but you needed me more than I needed sleep."

Emily shook her head, the tears finally coming to an end.

"I'm fine," she said, composing herself into the perfectly numb version of herself she had been earlier.

"No, you're not," I said. I wished she knew she didn't have to be strong right now, that she didn't have to face this alone. I mean, this was Emily, the girl who wore her heart on her sleeve, the girl who loved with all her heart and soul, who was never afraid to be afraid or happy or sad or angry or whatever she was feeling. I couldn't understand why she was shutting us all out.

"Em, _please_ don't lie to me anymore."

"I'm fine," Emily said again, more distantly this time.

"_Bullshit!_" I said, probably waking Hanna and Aria up in the other room, "We all know you're _not_ fine. I just don't understand why you won't let us in, Em. We're your best friends, we'll always be here for you, don't you know that by now?"

I was trying not to get too upset, but it was just so _frustrating_.

**Emily's POV**

I was so caught up in my emotions that I hadn't noticed that someone was holding me now, rocking me back and forth. From the smell of coffee still lingering, I figured it was Spencer.

"Spence?" I asked, just to confirm.

"I'm here, Em," Spencer whispered to me.

It meant the world to me that even after everything I've put them through, that she was here comforting me. It meant the world to me, but I couldn't show it, and I couldn't let it continue.

I pulled myself out of Spencer's arms. I couldn't retain my resolve if I remained in her embrace. It was just so inviting, so comforting, but I couldn't let myself be caught up in that. They'd never understand, but I was trying to protect them.

"I thought you were sleeping," I mumbled, irritated at myself for not noticing Spencer had come in. I wasn't supposed to let them see me cry. They were supposed to think I was fine.

"I was, but you needed me more than I needed sleep," Spencer said sweetly.

I shook my head, finally stopping the waterworks that had been erupting from my eyes since shortly after Spencer had fallen asleep on the couch. She was right. I did need her. Only I couldn't let myself have her, so I couldn't let her know that I needed her, because most important was that she be safe. Most important was that she be alive, and becoming attached to me wouldn't keep her safe or alive.

"I'm fine," I insisted with more emotion than I intended. I let myself fall into my familiar numbness, letting the real world blend into the background.

"No, you're not," Spencer said to me. She wasn't simply stating it, she was telling me. Willing me to believe what I secretly knew was true.

"Em, _please_ don't lie to me anymore," she pleaded with me.

I hated to hurt her like this, but it had to be done. It was the only way, wasn't it?

"I'm fine," I said again, keeping my tone in check this time.

"_Bullshit!_" Spencer yelled, taking me by surprise. I hadn't heard any of them raise a voice at me in months.

"We all know you're _not_ fine. I just don't understand why you won't let us in, Em. We're your best friends, we'll always be here for you, don't you know that by now?"

She was right. I wasn't fine, and I knew it. She didn't understand. I couldn't let them in. They are my best friends. They'd always _try_ to be here for me. And I did know it.

I _wanted_ to let them in. I _wanted_ to go back to my previously carefree life, before I had to watch my back, before I lost the only two people I had fallen in love with, before A, before everything. I wanted to be _that girl_ that my friends remembered, but she was gone. I had gotten rid of her, and I couldn't let her come back.

Oh, but I wished so much that I could just let it all out right now. Here alone with Spencer, I could say everything that was on my mind, and she would hold me up if I let her. She would be strong for me so that I could heal. If only it were that easy.


	4. Chapter 3

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed!**

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**Spencer's POV**

I couldn't _make_ her let me in. There was nothing I could do but wait for her. But what was I waiting for? Everyday I felt her slowly slip further away. From me, from her, from everyone and everything. I didn't want to lose her, but I felt like I already had, or at least I was in the process of losing her.

"I'm sorry," I said, softly. "I didn't mean to yell, I just…"

I couldn't finish my sentence. How could I tell Emily that I thought she was slipping away? I couldn't. It wouldn't do any good anyway, if anything it would probably push her further away from us.

It almost looked like Emily was thinking, like she was debating whether or not to say something, to open up and put me out of my misery. _Almost_.

I heard the door squeak open, and looked up to find Hanna and Aria staring worriedly back at me. Apparently my yelling _had_ woken them up.

I looked back at Emily, who had carefully composed her face once again to look as numb as it had the last few months.

"What happened?" Aria asked.

I felt tears welling up in my eyes as I looked at Emily, staring emotionlessly back at me. I couldn't cry, especially not in front of Emily. I had to be strong for her. She had to know she could count on me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered to Emily again.

I could feel the stares boring into the back of my head, dying to know what was going on.

"I should go," I said, normally this time, before heading out of the bedroom.

I made my way outside, the chill of the cold air rejuvenating me, leaving my body the way my mouth feels the first few breaths after I've just brushed my teeth. My mind, however, was still tortured. I plopped on the end of the diving board, letting my feet hang in the water.

I couldn't make sense of my feelings. There were traces of sorrow, vulnerability, which I hated, anger, hurt, betrayal, pity, compassion.

I couldn't sort them out. Not now anyway.

All I know right now is that I'd do anything to take away the pain Emily was feeling, to bring back the girl we had all known and loved. If only I knew what would accomplish that.

**Emily's POV**

I watched Spencer's expression change from frustration to remorse.

"I'm sorry," Spencer said. You could tell she meant it. "I didn't mean to yell, I just…"

What she just, I guess I'll never know as she stopped short. I could probably guess though. She just wanted to help me, but she didn't know that she couldn't, and I couldn't tell her. I mean seriously. You try telling a _Hastings_ that they _can't_ do something. I didn't want her to agonize over this, though I knew she would. That was just how Spencer was. When there was a problem, she wouldn't stop until she had a solution. But there would be no solution. I wondered how long it would take until they stopped inviting me to come around. A part of me hoped it wouldn't be much longer. I mean how long could they keep talking to a shell? But from the look on Spencer's face, she would never give up on me.

The door creaked as it was pushed open, revealing the worried faces of Aria and Hanna. At least they hadn't seen everything that Spencer had.

I saw Spencer turn to look at them, so I took advantage of the little time I had without Spencer's eyes boring into me to pull myself back into my façade.

"What happened?" Aria asked.

Spencer looked as if she were about to break down. It took everything I had inside of me to keep my face neutral, to keep from breaking my resolve. I wanted so desperately to tell her that I would be okay, that she was a great friend, that she had done everything right. But I couldn't show my emotions, and I couldn't slip up again like I had tonight.

"I'm sorry," Spencer whispered, tears threatening to spill over.

She took the time to steady her voice before saying, "I should go."

And she did. She left. To where, I couldn't tell you because as much as my gut screamed at me to go after her, I couldn't. Instead I was left sitting on Spencer's bed with Aria and Hanna looking at me.

"Em," Hanna said cautiously, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I said in that monotone voice that I had been using for so long.

I gave them a weak smile, trying to assure them that I was okay, but I wasn't blind to the fact that none of them had been buying the only emotion I let them see.

A weak smile now and again didn't convince them that I was fine. But I couldn't tell them anything.

"What happened?" Aria asked again.

They probably already knew how worried Spencer was about me. I mean they all were really. But I didn't need to add to their worries.

"Nothing."

"But…" Hanna started to protest.

"It was nothing," I said again, flashing them another weak smile, "I'm really tired though, so I'm going to go to sleep."

They nodded, watching me carefully as they left. I hoped they would check on Spencer. Spencer had always looked out for me, and she would need them as she tried to look out for me now.

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**Let me know what you think! I value all your opinions, good or bad! Review please!**


	5. Chapter 4

**Emily's POV**

I woke up to the sound of screaming. I quickly jumped out of bed, and headed toward the source of the sound. It was coming from outside.

As I stepped out of the loft, I paused, momentarily shocked from the scene in front of me. It was one I never wanted to imagine.

Hanna and Aria were standing there, screaming, probably caught up in their own emotions to do something. Their face looked terrified, as mine must have to, despite the level of control I've been exercising over it lately. It was my worst dreams come true. Spencer was hurt, really hurt, because of me.

Spencer lie, face down, floating in the middle of the pool. After about two seconds, the adrenaline kicked in. I ran and jumped into the pool, grabbing Spencer and pulling her face out of the water, ten dragging her to the side of the pool. Aria and Hanna had snapped out of their own hazes and helped me get Spencer out of the pool.

She couldn't be dead. Not again. Not _her_.

I prayed she hadn't been face down in the pool for long. I checked her pulse, it was there, but only just. She wasn't breathing though.

I knew I would have to perform CPR if there was any chance of keeping her alive. I put my lips to hers, giving her my breath. Then I switched to pumping her chest. Back and forth, I went. But nothing seemed to happen; it wasn't working.

"Dammit Spencer," I yelled, angry at her, at Hanna and Aria, at me, and at the world, "I can't lose you too!"

I continued with the CPR, hoping that one of the girls had had the common sense to call 911.

**Spencer's POV**

I woke up choking on water, spitting, coughing and choking it out of my system, I bolted up into a sitting position.

Where was I? What happened? And what was with the tingle in my lips?

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**It's really short, I know, but hey, it's something right? It was intended to be this short, it's kinda a prelude into the next chapter, which will be up as soon as it's finished.**

**Please review! Tell me what you think! **


	6. Chapter 5

**Spencer's POV**

I felt myself being pushed back to the ground. I was somewhat disoriented, and I hadn't a clue what was going on.

"Than God you're okay!" I heard a familiar voice say. The voice seemed slightly foreign, like I hadn't heard it in a while, but it was nonetheless distinguishable.

"Em?" I asked somewhat confused.

I shook my head, trying to clear it, ridding my vision of the blurred spots that had been plaguing me in the ninety seconds I'd been awake.

I looked up at the figure pinning me to the ground, and it was, as I had suspected, Emily. She was staring back at me with more emotion in her eyes than I'd seem in her in the last three months combined.

"Em, is it really you?" I asked excitedly, wanting to make sure I wasn't dreaming.

"Why wouldn't it be?" Emily asked me, confused.

I didn't know how to respond to that. What if I said the wrong thing? I didn't want to send her spiraling backwards into the emotionless pit she'd been in lately.

"I, uh, don't know."

Emily smiled at me. It wasn't one of those fake ones where you could barely tell she was trying to smile that she'd been using to try to appease us when we attempted to express our concern for her all this time. It was a real honest-to-God dazzling Emily smile. I felt myself grinning back at her in response. It felt so good to finally see her smile again.

But it was gone in a flash. Emily had gone from happy and smiling to mad in a fraction of a second.

"Don't you _ever_ do that to me again, Hastings!" Emily screamed, though she seemed afraid for some reason.

I frowned. "I can't smile at you?" I asked, unsure of why she was yelling at me.

"No, of course you can smile," Emily said, "I love it when you smile, but you had me so worried."

I looked at her, waiting for some explanation.

"I thought I lost you…" Emily mumbled, almost as if no one were intended to hear.

"Em, you could never lose me," I said, "I know I can get… frustrated?... sometimes, but you'll always be one of my best friends."

"Do you even _know_ what just happened?" I heard Hanna ask from behind me.

My head whirled around, having been unaware that Hanna and Aria were even there.

"Jeeze guys," I said, "How long have you been standing there?"

Aria had a worried look on her face, but Hanna was just laughing, almost cackling, but not quite.

"Longer than you've been laying there," Hanna said.

"Spence," Emily said, "We found you face down in the pool, you almost drowned. I thought you had…"

Emily paused. "I thought you'd died," she whispered, a tear forming in her eye.

I wrapped my arms around her, knowing what a sensitive subject death was to her, having lost both Alison and Maya.

**Emily's POV**

I felt so safe with Spencer's arms around me, she was comforting me, not just for this, but for everything.

I pulled back and looked at her. She looked like she was lost in thought, then she frowned.

"So _that's_ what I have to do get you to open up?" she said incredulously.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Em," Spencer said, "I've been going crazy for months trying to get you to let one of us in, to stop hiding your emotions, to stop acting like nothing matters. I just saw you smile in the first time for _months_."

"Oh." I said, raising my barriers again.

Spencer frowned. "No, don't do that. Don't shut me out, again," she pleaded with me.

I didn't want to. I didn't like shutting everyone out, especially Spencer, but it was necessary, wasn't it?

I didn't respond, trying to bring back the numbness.

**Spencer's POV**

I saw her, trying to go back to the way it had been yesterday.

_Stupid move, Spencer_ I told myself.

This was exactly what I hadn't wanted, but I had to open my big mouth.

"Come on, Em," I begged her, "Don't do that."

When that didn't illicit a response from her, I changed tactics. It was low, but I had to try.

"Don't make float in the pool again." I said, narrowing my eyes.

I saw a flicker of emotion pass through her, but only for a second. Her face was still carefully composed.

"You asked for it," I said, "This is what you get for shutting me out."

I pushed her off of me, and made to jump in the pool.

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**Please review!**


	7. Chapter 5 Part 2

**It's not *really* a new chapter, so here's Chapter 5.1**

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**Spencer's POV**

I was almost to the edge of the pool, when I heard her.

"I'm afraid!" Emily screamed.

I stopped, my foot not two inches from the side of the pool. I turned around, and looked at Emily who was sitting on the ground, her head buried in her knees. I could feel Aria and Hanna glowering at me.

I had known it was cruel, what I had done, but it had worked. She had opened up.

I sat down next to Emily, inching as close to her as I could get, and wrapped my arms around her.

I just held her, I could hear the nearly silent tears falling. I wasn't going to push her anymore today.

"Thank you" I whispered in her ear, tightening my grip around her.

Eventually Aria and Hanna left, and I was still sitting on the ground outside holding Emily. And I would stay here all night, holding her, for as long as she would let me.


	8. Chapter 6

**Thank you for the reviews! I'm glad you're enjoying it!**

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**Spencer's POV**

The sun had gone down, and I was still holding Emily in my arms, I hadn't eaten or had my caffeine all day, but it didn't matter, I wasn't going to leave her. It had gotten cold, and I could feel the goosebumps popping up on Emily. I wondered if I should wake her up, but I decided against it.

It wasn't until Emily had started shivering that I decided I needed to do something. I didn't want to wake her up, but I needed to get her out of the cold. I decided to carry her into the loft.

It's a good thing I'm athletic, because with Emily being taller than I am, and all the muscle she has, I wouldn't have been able to carry her otherwise. I picked her up in my arms, carrying her like a man carries his new bride into their house for the first time. I staggered a step every once in a while, but other than that, I got Emily and myself inside without much difficulty.

I lay her on one side of my bed, I got her out of her clothes, putting one of my oversized shirts on her, for her to sleep in. I tucked her in under the covers, before changing into another one of my oversized shirts. I crawled into my bed next to her, wrapping my arms around her so that she would know, when she woke up, that I was here for her, that I would always be here, that I wasn't going anywhere, no matter what.

With dry clothes and Emily in my arms, I quickly drifted off to sleep.

**Emily's POV**

I woke with a start, practically jumping, only there was something keeping me in bed. Warm tears were falling silently down my face.

I felt something squeezing me.

"Em?" I heard Spencer say softly. When I heard her voice, I realized it must be her arms around me. I felt my heart try to slow down and race at the same time, it was an odd sensation.

"Em, what's wrong?" Spencer asked, probably having noticed the tears.

I fought against her grip, and after a struggling a bit, she finally let me get up. I turned around and looked at her, the hurt in her eyes fighting it's way past my walls. I couldn't look at her anymore or else my will would crumple, so I tried walking away, only I could feel myself shaking now, and as if in slow motion, I felt my legs growing weaker, giving out beneath me.

I wasn't sure how Spencer had made it out of bed in time to catch me, but she had. She steadied me, though I was still shaking a bit. I couldn't tell if Spencer was shaking too, or it was just me, but I felt like she was.

"We should get some food," Spencer said, looking at the clock, "It's been over twenty-four hours since either of us have eaten."

I looked at her incredulously, "You didn't eat while I was asleep?"

Spencer shook her head. "I held onto you for hours, Em, even after you fell asleep. We were outside in the same position until after dark."

I could feel my jaw dropping, it must have been eight or nine in the morning when I had woken up yesterday to find Spencer face down in the pool, and it wasn't too long after that before I had broken down. I'd known that Spencer had held me when that had happened, but it couldn't have been past noon when I had fallen asleep. It probably got dark around seven or eight. Spencer had held me all that time?

"It wasn't until I felt you shivering that I decided I needed to get you inside, so I carried you in. It was probably around eleven then. I got you into something to sleep in and tucked you in before I changed, and held you again. Couldn't have been more than two minutes total that I let go of you," Spencer said, obviously reflecting yesterday in her head.

"Spence, you should've eaten." I said.

"No," Spencer said, "I needed you to know that I'm always going to be here for you, and that I'm never letting you go? What better way than to literally not let you go?" She half-joked.

I frowned.

"No seriously, Em, I'm always going to be here for you, and I'm going to prove to you that you don't need to be afraid, because we're here to protect you, Em. And I don't care if I never eat again, as long as you're okay, and lately you haven't been."

From Spencer, especially, that meant a lot. Spencer loves her food. She's always hungry, so it's a good thing she has such a good metabolism, because she's an absolute pig when it comes to food. That she would give it up if it meant that I could breathe (figuratively breathe), showed just how much she cared for me. But wasn't this what I was trying to prevent? Wasn't she supposed to be detaching from me, not sacrificing things for me?

My thinking was hazed, I wasn't sure what was right anymore. How could I keep Spencer from being hurt, if I let her in? But how could I keep her out? And why would I want to?

Spencer was amazing, her love for her friends knew no bounds, and I knew that she wasn't going to let me keep her out, she would do absolutely everything she could to make sure that I was okay. And she always seemed to know when I wasn't no matter what I did.

She also has this way of being able to penetrate all the walls I put up. Somehow, she keeps finding a way in.

Spencer looked at me, her brown eyes digging right into my soul. "Come on," she said, taking my hand in hers and pulling me gently towards the door, "I'll make you scrambled eggs and toast with bacon…extra crispy."

I didn't know how she knew the right things to say all the time, but I found resisting her becoming more and more difficult, and I found myself wanting to resist her less and less.

I nodded, succumbing to her wishes, as I let her guide me to the kitchen, where she sat me down to wait while she cooked.

I even found myself smiling as I watched her work in the kitchen, something I hadn't let myself do in a very long time.

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**Emily is starting to break out of her depression/her emotionless void.**

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	9. Chapter 7

**Spencer's POV**

I watched as Emily tore through her breakfast like a hurricane. There was a spark in her eyes every time she bit into a piece of bacon. I had cooked it extra crispy, the way she likes it. There was something about the crunch that drove her wild, I hadn't a clue why though. It was nice, comforting, seeing her come back to life, though she wasn't one hundred percent back to her former glory yet, she was better than she had been, and for now, that was all I could ask for.

Emily had eaten all her eggs and bacon, and had just picked up her last piece of toast when she looked at me. It was as though she had just noticed I was in the room.

"Spence?" she asked tentatively.

I cocked my head to the left, silently letting her know she could say whatever she wanted to.

"Aren't you going to eat?" she asked me.

I looked down. I hadn't even touched my breakfast, and Emily was almost done. I was normally the first one done.

"Right," I said, slightly disoriented. My eyes had trailed back to Emily, who was now taking a chunk out of her toast. "I guess I forgot."

Emily mocked me, her face faking shock and horror, "Spencer Hastings _forgot_ about _food_!? This really is the end of the world isn't it?"

I eyed the coffee I had made, extra strong just the way I like it, untouched like the rest of my breakfast.

"Must be," I said grinning back at her, "_I_ forgot about my _coffee_ and _you_ are _smiling_."

Emily tried to not smile, but she couldn't help it, her grin only widened at her failed attempt. I was so happy that she was coming back to us, well, she hadn't really been herself around Aria and Hanna yet, but at least she was getting back to her old self when she was with me. I had been so scared that we had really lost her, and right now was like a dream come true.

**Emily's POV**

"Spencer Hastings _forgot_ about _food_!? This really is the end of the world isn't it?" I teased Spencer.

"Must be," Spencer agreed with me, "_I_ forgot about my _coffee_ and _you_ are _smiling_."

My first reaction was to frown, but with Spencer beaming at me, it was really hard. Why was I even trying to hide away again? What was so important that I couldn't be open with my best friends? The answers eluded me for now, there was something about her goofy grin that seemed to erase everything else. Had it always been this way?

I stopped trying to frown, and just let my lips curve into a huge grin.

"There's the Emily we all know and love" Spencer said.

_Love. _There was something about that word that made the smile fall from my face. Oh right. It was _my love_ that was cursed. It was those that I loved that ended up being _murdered_.

"Oh, God, Em, no. What did I say?" Spencer stood up, and was by my side faster than I could see it coming.

She put her arms around me, but I wrenched away from her touch.

"Em, _please_," Spencer said softly, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."

"You didn't," I said more coldly than I had intended, though I suppose the more ice in my voice, the better off Spencer would be in the long run. "It's not that."

"Then what is it, Em?" Spencer asked, "Tell me, what are you so afraid of?"

"Losing you," I breathed.

I hadn't meant to say it, I didn't want to tell her that, I don't think I was even aware I was saying it, it just came out.

I was frozen in place, so when Spencer's arms wrapped around me for a second time, I couldn't fight them off.

Her touch warmed me in ways I didn't understand. In a way, it was like she was the fire to my ice, and I needed her to be balanced. When I regained use of my body again, I didn't try to pull away. Her embrace around me felt so right, and who was I to fight something that felt so good?

I felt Spencer's warm breath on the back of my neck and the trail it left as it traveled to my ear.

"Don't be afraid," Spencer whispered soothingly to me, "You'll never lose me."

**Spencer's POV**

"Tell, what are you so afraid of?"

"Losing you," Emily answered so softly that I almost didn't hear it.

I wrapped my arms around her again, and this time she didn't fight me. Her body was stiff, so I just held her tightly in my arms, trying to bring her back, like I had done yesterday.

I felt her body relax slightly.

"Don't be afraid," I whispered to her earnestly. I didn't want her to be afraid, there had to be some way to get through to her, some way to get her to believe what I already knew: there was absolutely nothing she could do that could make her lose me. She would always be my best friend.

"You'll never lose me," I promised her.

"No," Emily said, struggling lightly against my arms. My grip on her wasn't too tight, so I could tell she didn't really want me to let go of her, because she could have easily torn herself from my embrace. She soon stopped struggling against, mostly herself.

I felt a tear fall on my arm, and I tightened my hold on her.

"Em, don't cry," I pleaded with her, "I'm here, Em, I'm right here."

I could tell she was trying to hold back her tears, though a few more escaped.

"I never thought I'd lose Ali or Maya either," She said softly, reigniting a stream of waterworks falling from her eyes.

I knew immediately what she had been trying to do all this time. She'd been trying to protect us, though we didn't need it. She must have thought that she was the reason that Alison had died, the reason Maya had died. But it wasn't true. We all knew that Emily had nothing to do with their murders. It was just rotten luck. They hadn't died because Emily had fallen in love with them, but Emily didn't believe that. She thought if she got close to us, that something tragic would befall us.

I spun Emily around in my arms hugging her tightly. After a few minutes, I pulled away slightly, releasing my arms from where they had been locked around her body, and moving them so that my hand cupped Emily's face. I used my thumbs to wipe away the tears from her eyes.

"Em, listen to me," I said seriously, but sensitively, "It's not your fault. Ali and Maya, they didn't die because you loved them."

Emily tried to turn her head away, but I held it firmly, but gently in place.

"Emily Fields, don't you think for a second that their deaths had anything to do with your love for them, or their love for you. You've been dealt a tough hand, it was horrible luck, but you're not cursed or anything. One day, you're going to fall in love again, and you will live happily ever after. A is gone. Mona is gone. Garret is gone. You can breathe again."

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	10. Chapter 8

**I know it's short, but here's the next update.**

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**Emily's POV**

_You can breathe again._

Spencer words echoed in my head. I listened to her, literally, taking a nice big breath. I inhaled Spencer's scent, a mix of coffee and sweat, which was now intertwined with one of my favorite smells, chlorine, from her time in the pool. It was intoxicating, and I took another breath, just to smell it again.

My eyes locked on Spencer's. She was normally so careful about her emotions, unlike how I used to be, wearing my heart on my sleeve. Spencer had always been afraid to be vulnerable. Right now, her control, while still in place, was wavering, her emotions pouring through her eyes like a waterfall, though she shed no tears. And why would she need to? She was happy, happy that I had spilled what I had considered to be my biggest secret. She was happy she had made my walls crumble, that I had let her in to what was once open territory, but had long since been blocked off to visitors.

I knew that she cared about me, I could see it in her eyes, and staring into them, I swore she could see straight down into the very deepest parts of my soul. My eyes darted to her lips, for a mere second, before reconnecting with Spencer's eyes. In that second though, I had wanted them, I wondered what they would feel like on mine. I pushed the thoughts out of my head. It didn't matter. I knew I was only thinking like this because Spencer was helping me get back to the old me, the one who felt, and therefore because she was the one who was caring for me, I felt for her. It made sense. Plus, Spencer was straight, I knew that, everyone knew that, and even if she weren't there was no way she'd be into a mess like me.

**Spencer's POV**

Emily took a deep breath, then another, before finally bringing her eyes to meet mine.

The way she looked at me, I can't remember anybody looking at me like that. Not even Toby had looked at me the way Emily was looking at me right now. Her gaze was filled with a love had never seen in her before. Her eyes gave off a respect for me that I'd never known anybody to have.

I couldn't help but wonder if this was why she had been trying so hard to push away her emotions before. If on some level she might have some feelings for me, and, given that she had believed that it was her love that had somehow caused Alison and Emily to be murdered, she had thought that she had to become that numb shell she had been in the past few months in order to save me.

I saw her eyes stray for a moment before fixating them on mine once more. I wondered what she was thinking, and found myself hoping that she was thinking about me.

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	11. Chapter 9

**Emily's POV**

I woke up in Spencer's bed for the second time today, her arms still wrapped securely around me. I kept my eyes shut, reveling in this moment before it ended, I felt myself smile, knowing I was safe in Spencer's arms.

"Look, Em's smiling," I heard Aria say quietly.

"I wonder what she's dreaming about," Hanna whispered back.

The smile vanished from my face. Spencer and I weren't alone anymore. I felt myself stiffen slightly, and Spencer's arms tightened around me in response. I wondered if she was awake, did she know that Aria and Hanna were somewhere in the room?

"And now it's gone," Hanna stated, disappointment clear in her voice.

"Whatever it was, I hope it was good," Aria said, "She needs more happiness in her life."

I pretended to be sleeping still. I didn't want them to know that I'd heard them. They didn't need to know that they were the reason I'd stopped smiling. Not that I meant it to be. Aria and Hanna were my best friends, too, but I hadn't yet become accustomed to them again. My walls, so far, only fell for Spencer.

"Should we wake them?" Hanna asked Aria.

"I'll make Spencer some coffee, which should wake her up, she'll know whether or not to wake Emily."

Sure enough, within seconds of the smell of Spencer's ultra strong coffee wafting in from the kitchen, I felt Spencer stir beside me.

**Spencer's POV**

I woke up to the sweet aroma of coffee and my arms around Emily's warm body.

If only I could wake up like this every day.

I pulled Emily carefully closer to me, not wanting to wake her, but the careful rhythm of her breathing faltered, signaling to me that she was already awake.

I heard the door creak open, and I opened my eyes to see Aria peeking inside.

"You wanted me?" I asked, chuckling to myself for many reasons.

"What makes you think that?" Aria said.

"I smell coffee," I answered simply.

"I told you she'd see right through it," Hanna said, entering the room.

Aria rolled her eyes.

"So, shall we wake sleeping beauty?" Hanna asked.

"No need," I said smiling to myself, "she's already awake."

**Emily's POV**

"So, shall we wake sleeping beauty?" Hanna asked Spencer.

I had never really thought of myself as beautiful, I mean, I knew I wasn't bad-looking, but I didn't consider myself to be the epitome of good looks. That was more Hanna's specialty, so hearing that from Hanna's mouth sent a rush through me.

"No need, she's already awake," I heard Spencer tell them.

I wondered how she knew, but it didn't matter now I suppose, the gig was up.

"Unfortunately," I grumbled, keeping my eyes closed.

I felt Spencer's thumb brush across my arm, back and forth, back and forth. And here she was again with her magic making my walls come tumbling down.

"Sorry," I mumbled, taking the subtle hint from Spencer, "I know you're all worried about me."

I pulled myself upright, wrapping my arms around my knees, staring aimlessly in front of me as I'd done so many times before. I flinched at Spencer's touch, but then felt myself relaxing into it slightly.

"I know I've been a little... distant… lately, and I'm sorry," I admitted, "I'm just not ready yet."

I saw Aria nodding in understanding out of the corner of my eye.

"Well," Hanna said, "When you're ready, we'll be here. All of us."

I nodded meekly, "And I promise, you guys will be the first to know," I said, forcing a smile.

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	12. Chapter 10

**Spencer's POV**

We decided to make the last day of summer vacation a movie day. I picked The Change-Up as the first movie. I thought it was a great movie, and it was so funny, I could watch it over and over, though I hadn't seen it in a while.

I popped the movie in the DVD player and sat down next to Emily, smiling at her encouragingly before settling my attention on the movie.

The sound of Emily's laugh tore my attention from the movie. It was a sound I hadn't heard in so very long, and one that I'd sorely missed. It had even captured the attention of Hanna and Aria, who were smiling at the view, as was I. Eventually, though, Hanna and Aria returned their attention to the movie, but all I could do was watch Emily as she smiled and laughed with the movie, afraid that if I took my eyes off of her, the smile would be gone, never to appear again.

Before I knew it, the movie was over, and Emily's still smiling face was now looking back at me.

I felt compelled to tell Emily that I loved her, as if she didn't already know, but I fought the urge. No need to remind her of anything that might make the smile disappear, she already knew that I loved her, just as she knew that Hanna loved her, and that Aria loved her.

"Em," I said, unable to stop myself from saying her name. Her brown eyes looked into mine expectantly, and it was in this moment, I wasn't sure why or how, but something in the way she looked at me made me melt, and I realized that I was falling for her.

Of course, I couldn't tell her this. She was still getting over the loss of her last girlfriend. She was my best friend. She was convinced that her love would put the subject of it six feet under. No, I couldn't tell her, not yet anyway. She had to be more comfortable, not just with me, but with living, with laughing, and with loving before I could think about divulging this new information.

Emily's smile started to falter when I didn't say anything. I couldn't let it disappear though.

"You should pick the next movie," I said to her.

Her face lit up like a child on Christmas morning as she scrambled off the couch and made her way to the bookshelves housing my DVD collection. After a couple minutes of scanning my collection, she picked one off the shelf, practically skipping over to me. She handed me the DVD, which happened to be Scream 4. I laughed to myself. I was happy that Emily was getting back to her old self.

"Have you guys seen this yet?" I asked.

Emily, Hanna and Aria all said that they hadn't. I smirked to myself, knowing that one of the characters looked uncannily like Aria.

Aria, who wasn't big on horror movies to begin with, though she tolerated them, mostly because Emily loved them, was going to _hate_ this movie.

"Sorry, Ar, you're going to hate this," I told her.

The look on Aria's face told me she had no doubt that I was right, but she wanted to know _why_.

"You'll all figure out why within the first few minutes, I promise."

I wondered to myself whether or not it was a good idea to let Emily watch this right now. I wasn't sure if it would send her spiraling backward, but ultimately decided that since it had been Emily that had picked it out, that we would watch it, we could always turn it off.

I popped the movie in, putting the Change-Up back on the bookshelf, before sitting down once again next to Emily.

Aria screamed before it even got scary, seeing the girl that looked so much like her. I looked to Emily, to make sure she was okay with this, now that she had seen the girl, but she looked as though it hadn't phased her, so I was content with letting the movie play, after all, she knew it was a horror movie.

It didn't take too long for Emily to bury her head into my shoulder, and when she did, I wrapped my arm around her, determined to make sure she still felt safe. It was only a moment before she looked up again, not really wanting to miss a beat of the movie.

Aria had even hid herself in my other shoulder for the majority of the movie, I had wrapped my arm around her as well, sheltering her from the terrors occurring on the screen, though the character looking like her had long since been off-screen.

**Emily's POV**

The movie ended, and I noticed that Spencer's arm was around me, which explained why I didn't feel all of the normal panic and anxiety that I felt when I was watching horror movies, though the adrenaline rush they gave me was certainly still there.

I looked up at Spencer, who was, once again looking at me, making sure I was okay. I felt a pang of jealousy when I noticed that Spencer had her other arm around Aria. I secretly resented it at first, but upon noticing that Aria was shaking I removed all distasteful thoughts from my mind. Spencer was just being a good friend, both to me and to Aria. Spencer had always been an excellent friend.

"Why don't you pick the next one, Ar?" I said, knowing that Aria would want some type of romance or comedy after the horror movie.

Secretly, though I wasn't sure why, I really just wanted to be the only one Spencer was holding. I dismissed any thoughts of _why_ from my head, focusing instead on the good that was Spencer.

Aria ended up, as I would have predicted, picking out something light and comfortable. And unsurprisingly, after having watched The Change-Up, it featured Ryan Reynolds.

Hanna picked out Finding Nemo after Aria's movie had finished, and I was so pleased that throughout the two movies, Spencer never moved her arm from it's place around me, nor did her other arm return to the place it had been around Aria.

After Finding Nemo ended, Spencer ordered some Pizza, and we talked about what we thought about our upcoming senior year.

Spencer was unnecessarily worried about getting into college, though the rest of us knew she would undoubtedly get into any and all colleges she applied to.

Aria was looking forward to being able to be more open with her relationship with Ezra, now that a) he was no longer her teacher, b) they had admitted their relationship to Aria's parents and c) there was no more A to threaten them.

Hanna was just looking forward to having a normal senior year, and I was just happy I had made it to senior year, noting depressingly that _some of us_ hadn't made it.

Aria and Hanna eventually left, leaving Spencer and I alone.

"You don't have to go," Spencer said, "You can stay here for as long as you want, I can talk to your mom if you need me to."

The way she said it made it seem as though she were desperate for me to stay. Or maybe it was just me hoping that she was.

This wasn't good. I shouldn't be hoping for her to want me to stay. I can't need her.

But I did. I _needed_ Spencer to hold me, and tell me that everything was going to be okay, because it was only when the words came from her mouth that I started to believe that they were true.

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	13. Chapter 11

**Spencer's POV**

Somehow, Emily had convinced her mother to let her stay with me, at least for a few more days, despite the fact that school starts up again tomorrow. Honestly, I think her mother caved when she heard Emily laughing at me after having realized that I'd somehow formed a coffee mustache. I wasn't the only one who'd missed hearing Emily's laughter, and if I had to guess, I'd say that it was only because in the past few days with me, Emily had been starting to live again, instead of just existing, that Mrs. Fields had agreed to let Emily stay. It was because Emily seemed to be healing.

I was happy that I could be a part of the healing process for her, that she allowed me, finally, to help her move on. Though I knew now that her recent almost catatonic behavior was partly due to fear rather than grief, though how much of it was fear and how much was grief, I'm sure I would never know, in fact, I'd be willing to bet that Emily didn't even know.

Regardless, I'd taken it upon myself to help her as best I can, as had many others, but for some reason, I had finally gotten through the thick walls that Emily had set up, and was starting to have an effect.

I realized, looking out the window into the pool area, that I hadn't seen Emily in the pool at all this summer, which, as Emily had always seemed to be part fish, was unusual. In the seconds it took me to mentally note that, I knew that eventually, I had to get her to start swimming again. I figured what better time than the present to start, even if I didn't get her to start today, at least the idea will be in her mind.

"Hey, Em?"

Emily looked at me, her eyes soft, rimmed with happiness, though I could still see the hurt, the fear, the sorrow in them.

"Do you want to go in the pool with me?" I asked.

The glare Emily sent my way reminded me that, according to her, I had almost drowned the other day, which was not really incentive to get her back into the pool, not that after that, she'd let me near it.

I threw my hands up in mock surrender, "No drowning, I promise," I said.

Emily looked away from me, letting the silence fill the room. I wasn't sure whether she was mad at me or if she was thinking about it, or if I'd sent her back into the void I'd just fished her out of. I didn't know what to do, but after a couple of minutes of waiting, I approached her.

"I'm sorry," I said, wrapping my arms around her waist and resting my cheek on her shoulder, "I'm not entirely sure what I did," I admitted, "but whatever it was, I'm sorry."

"Spence," Emily said, her voice cracking slightly as I felt her hand's rest on mine.

I let out a sigh of relief that she hadn't pushed me out again, though I tried hard not to let her hear it.

"What happened out there?" she asked.

I knew she was referring to me almost drowning, but honestly, I had no memory of it, I didn't really know what happened, though I tried my best to think of some explanation as to how I ended up in the pool.

"I'm not sure," I answered honestly, "I didn't know what had happened until you told me."

I could feel the disappointment radiating from her. She knew I was being honest, I had no reason to lie to her, but unfortunately, the truth wasn't satisfying.

I tried to figure out what happened.

"I remember you were all alone in my bedroom, and you were sobbing so hard you didn't even notice I was there, not even when I cradled you in my arms."

Emily turned her head looking at me.

:"It tore me up, seeing you like that, but at the same time, I was almost glad, because it was _something_, it meant that you were feeling _something_."

I let go of her, moving to sit down on the couch. Emily sat down next to me. I took her hand in mine, squeezing it lightly, but not looking at her. I had to continue, but I couldn't watch her as I recounted that evening. Not that it was her, it was just me, the way I worked. What I was saying, what I was going to say, it showed my vulnerable side, which was something I was uncomfortable with anyway.

"When you had calmed down enough to notice me holding you, you pushed me away, made yourself seem numb again. You said you were fine, but you weren't, and you hadn't been for a while, so I called you on it, but you insisted that you were fine. I was frustrated. I never did well with not knowing what to do, and I had been sitting on months of not knowing what to do, not knowing what to say, not knowing how to bring you back to us, to me. I don't know what exactly triggered it, but I remember that I snapped, and I yelled, which I assume is what woke Hanna and Aria up. And then, I apologized and left. I went outside, letting the cold breeze calm me down slightly. I sat on the end of the diving board, letting my feet dip in the water, and I just thought. I thought for a long time, and I'm not sure if I don't remember, like I blacked out or something, or if I had just been thinking for so long that I fell asleep, but before I knew it, I was next to the pool, spitting up water and being tackled by you."

I felt Emily squeeze my hand firmly, but gently, thanking me silently with words I knew she wasn't ready to say, at least not out loud anyway. I was just happy that we were talking again, really talking, about the things that we couldn't talk about with anybody else, just like we used to before everything happened.

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**A/N: As of September 16th all my current fics will be on hiatus, so that I can focus on writing my novel. For updates on my novel, or when I might resume my fics, follow me on twitter: CapeCodPhoenix I will be updating all my fics as much as possible between now and September 16th**


	14. Chapter 12

**Emily's POV**

I hesitated at the edge of the pool. The water called to me, as it had ever since I was a little girl, but everything was different now. Aside from pulling Spencer out of the pool, I hadn't swam since Maya had died.

I looked away from the pool, and found Spencer standing near the diving board, but with a few feet between her and the pool. She was looking at me, waiting for my approval. I loved how she wanted to make sure that I was comfortable with _her_ swimming. I knew she knew how to swim, and that the other day had been a fluke, something that wasn't probable to happen again, granted it wasn't probable to happen in the first place, but as long as she was conscious, I knew she could handle herself.

I shivered, trying to block out the memory of seeing her face down in the pool. It wasn't something I wanted to visualize with her about to go swimming. I nodded to her, granting my approval, letting her know that I wouldn't freak out if she jumped in the pool (as long as she came back up).

Spencer smiled at me. Her smile alone sent warmth radiating throughout my body. I knew the signs, and this wasn't a good one. I tried to push the warmth out, but to no avail.

Spencer mounted the diving board, standing at the edge, looking at me once more, making sure that I was really okay with this. She was so considerate, so loving, so surprisingly optimistic about life. She was fiercely loyal, and I knew I was lucky that she cared about me. Unfortunately, I also knew that I shouldn't let her care, that she would be better off if she didn't, at least not about me.

Spencer dove into the water. I noticed how perfectly executed her dive was, though she was a Hastings, so it wasn't surprising. The timing, the posture, everything was exactly right until she was submerged in the water. The second she was underwater, I saw her push towards the surface instead of riding out towards the shallow end. I knew it was only because she wanted to break the surface as quickly as possible, so that I knew she was okay, which I already knew.

**Spencer's POV**

I got to the surface as fast as I possibly could. I needed to make sure that Emily was okay, that she hadn't panicked when I had gone under. But if I was honest, I just needed to _see_ her.

I looked at Emily, who was smiling weakly at me with a pained expression on her face. It wasn't the way she had been before, but it certainly wasn't a happy face. She seemed haunted, like she was once again running from the memories of her past.

"Coming in, Fields?" I said trying my best to sound mischievous.

Emily didn't answer.

I swam to the side of the pool so that I was right in front of Emily.

"Em?" I said softly.

She looked down at me, and then crouched so that she was closer to my level.

I wondered what she was thinking about. I could see her thinking at a mile a minute, the wheels turning in her head showing through her eyes.

"If you didn't want to swim, you could've told me," I said softly.

She shook her head. Her face mere inches from mine, making my head slightly cloudy.

"I just… I don't think I'm ready."

"It's okay," I told her.

I pushed off the edge of the pool, propelling myself into the center of the pool.

"More practice for me, so I can finally beat you when you get back in the water," I said smirking at her.

Swimming had always been the one thing I'd never been able to beat her at, given my competitive nature, I was dying to see whether her time out of the pool would give me the edge I needed to finally win. Though, because it was Emily, I wasn't bitter about her winning every time we raced. She was a strong swimmer, the best really, and she was my best friend.

"You think so?" She said smirking back at me.

I nodded confidently.

That was all it took to get her to jump in after me. I was thrilled that it had worked, not that I'd really planned that part.

Just like I'd predicted, Emily had flourished as soon as she was in the water. It was her natural element, that I was sure of. The smile that spread instantly upon her lips was stunning, natural, and the biggest one I'd seen in quite some time. She seemed to light up whenever she was in the water, and I was so happy to have brought that back to her. It was something I'd known she needed, even if she hadn't realized it.

**Emily's POV**

Spencer and I had been in the pool for hours, literally. Being in the water again, it was like a weight had been lifted off of me, and I felt free, like I was flying, and there was nobody who could take my wings from me.

"We should probably get ready for bed," Spencer said reluctantly.

I nodded, knowing that this was the last night of freedom, the last night before our senior year started.

We got out of the pool, and Spencer got us some towels to dry off. She gave me a shirt to sleep in, which I quickly changed into and sat on her bed waiting for her.

I looked out the window, staring aimlessly into the night.

"Hey, Em?" I heard Spencer ask hesitantly.

I looked up at her. She must have been hit with a thought and felt the need to address it immediately because she was in the middle of changing. My eyes traced her abs before finding her face, silently telling her to continue with the slightest nod of my head.

"Are you going to be okay?"

It was an ambiguous question that could potentially have many answers, but I knew what she was talking about. After Maya had died, I hadn't interacted with anybody but the girls and my family, and even the interactions with them had been few and far between.

Was I going to be okay? I knew Spencer was going to try her best to make everything as easy for me as possible. And it was only with her that I felt that I could be me again, be open. It was only with her that my fears seemed to melt away.

"Just don't leave me, okay?" I answered her.

She quickly finished changing, and sat down beside me, wrapping her arms around me. I felt her warm breath on my neck, leaving butterflies I knew I shouldn't be having in my stomach.

"Never," she whispered into my ear.

And I knew she meant it. She would never leave me, I would not have to fend for myself in the crowded hallways filled with people I had honestly forgotten existed until just now. She would protect me.

With the promise of Spencer by my side, the prospect of school didn't seem so daunting anymore, not that I'd been thinking about it much.

With a light heart, and Spencer's arms around me, I found myself drifting off to sleep.

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**What do you think? Please review!**

**A/N: As of September 16th all my current fics will be on hiatus, so that I can focus on writing my novel. For updates on my novel, or when I might resume my fics, follow me on twitter: CapeCodPhoenix I will be updating all my fics as much as possible between now and September 16th**


	15. Chapter 13

******I know I said I was going on hiatus, but apparently my brain doesn't agree with that decision, so I'm back!**

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**Emily's POV**

My eyes flew open, suddenly very aware of where I was. I hoped that Spencer was still asleep, and from what I could tell, she was. I was sweating, and the feel of Spencer's arms around me, which had comforted me so last night, were now making me feel like I was suffocating. The dull ache between my legs begging for relief.

The dream I had been having had been a good dream, but at the same time, it had been a nightmare. I could still feel the imagined touch of Spencer's fingers trailing lightly across my whole body. I could still feel her tongue exploring all of me, sending sparks of pleasure through me in ways I never imagined were possible, though it hadn't actually happened.

I could not believe this was happening again. I had sworn off love, off feeling. How could I be falling for my best friend. _Again._ There was no good that could come of this. I had to distance myself from her.

I mean, this is _Spencer_. She's always been destined for greatness. We all know she has a bright future ahead of her. She could be anything she wanted to be as long as she doesn't get tangled up with me.

I tried to slip out of her embrace without waking her, but to no avail. The second I moved, I felt her stir.

"Em?" she said sleepily.

I considered pretending to be asleep, but then, this was Spencer, so the effort would be futile. She just had this way of telling when I was faking, and not just about sleeping, about pretty much everything.

I didn't trust myself to speak, so instead I just got up, placing my hand lightly on Spencer's for a millisecond, before walking out the door.

I left the room, I left the barn, and I just kept walking. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't care. All I knew was that I needed to get away from Spencer. She needed to live, to go on and be whatever it is that she wanted to be, whether it was a lawyer or a doctor like her parents expected of her, or something else. I always thought she'd make a great architect or a great teacher.

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**Short chapter, I know, but Emily's regressing, what will Spencer do? Please review!**


	16. Chapter 14

**Spencer's POV**

I knew something was wrong the second Emily got out of bed. I felt her hand on top of mine for a second and then it was gone. I heard the door open, but it wasn't until I heard the door to the loft open that I realized just how wrong things must be. I hopped out of bed and ran to catch up to her.

I wasn't sure what had happened. Things had been great last night, and I didn't know what had changed.

It didn't take long for me to catch up to her. She hadn't been running, unlike me.

"Em," I called out to her.

She hesitated for a moment, but it was short lived, and she kept walking as though nothing had happened.

As soon as I reached her side, I matched my pace to hers, keeping with her, stride for stride.

"Em," I said softly as we walked. I didn't know where we were going, but something told me she didn't really have a destination in mind.

She didn't hesitate this time, in fact she had no response to her name being said.

Her arms were hanging by her sides, and I decided to press my luck and slipped my hand into hers. She stopped walking, jerking her arm away hastily.

"Just leave me alone, Spencer," she said venomously. She wouldn't look at me, but the tone in her voice was almost enough to make me want to. But I didn't. I couldn't even if I had wanted to.

"Never," I said, echoing the same response I had had last night.

**Emily's POV**

That one word was enough to make me look at her. Her eyes burned with sincerity, and made me wish I hadn't asked her not to leave me last night. I sighed.

"Spence," I said, taking time to choose my words carefully. I had to make her understand. "I'm not good for you."

She cocked her head slightly. Her expression was a mixture of confusion, amusement, and, strangely, understanding.

"This sounds an awful lot like you're breaking up with me," Spencer said, a smile forming slowly on her face, "Which, of course, couldn't possibly be the case as we were never…"

I thought she would finish with 'together', 'involved' or 'in a relationship' but her smile had been replaced by pursed lips as she struggled to find the words she was looking for. I realized in that instant what she was trying to do. She was trying to find an ending to that sentence that couldn't be applied to our friendship.

After a few minutes of her still searching for the right words, I broke the silence.

"Spence," I said again softly, "I…"

**Spencer's POV**

Here it comes again. The attempt to get rid of me because she thinks she's ruining my life.

I couldn't listen to her say the same things over again. Well, I could have, but I didn't want to. I already understood what she was trying so hard to get me to understand, but it was her who didn't understand.

"You're wrong, Em," I said simply, cutting her off.

I took her hand in mine, this time she didn't pull away, and I pressed it to my chest. I was sure that she could feel my heart racing. I hadn't intended to do that, but for once I went with my gut, not even thinking about what I was saying or doing or the consequences that may or may not arise from this.

"You are good for me," I said, "You make my heart race, you make the colors brighter, and when you smile, it puts the stars and the moon and even the sun to shame. Even when you're sullen and withdrawn you radiate beauty and warmth. I know you think that you're not good enough. I know you think that your love is some sort of bad omen or something, but it's not, Em. You don't have to be afraid to fall in love. Especially with me. You're smart, Em, somewhere inside you, you have to know that what happened to Ali, and what happened to Maya, none of that was your fault, it was just bad luck. And you know what? I hope you do fall in love with me because, God, I'm so in love with you, Em. I don't know when or how it happened but it did, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I meant what I said last night. And this morning. I will never leave you. Even if you never fall in love with me, I'll always be by your side. I'll always be your best friend. I'll always love you, and protect you, and try to bring out your beautiful smile. And someday, I'll make you see how truly amazing you are, because you truly are amazing."

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**What do you think? Please review!**

**So Spencer's come out (at least to Emily). How do you think Emily will react? Will she admit to the feelings she has for Spencer? Or will she become more withdrawn?**


	17. Chapter 15

**Emily's POV**

I stayed silent, replaying Spencer's words over and over in my head, trying to process them and what they meant. The problem was that, for once, Spencer hadn't tried to overanalyze anything. She hadn't sat there in thought, carefully selecting the right words to say. In fact, it seemed like she hadn't planned on saying any of that. I looked at her, and as far as I could tell she had meant every word she had said, but it still didn't make sense to me.

"Say something," Spencer said, suddenly afraid that she'd made things worse.

I looked into her eyes, and I could feel myself starting to lose control. Tears started to build in my eyes, ready to be released at any moment.

"You," I paused, "You're in love with me?" I asked. It just didn't make sense to me. I'd been practically catatonic recently. How could she possibly be in love with me? I wasn't special or amazing.

Spencer looked relieved that I had spoken. She smiled gently at me.

"Hopelessly, madly, head over heels in love with you."

Something inside me shook. She meant it. She really was in love with me. Suddenly, I became hyper aware of the fact that my hand was still on her chest. I could feel every beat of her heart, which was beating like a hummingbird's wings. Did I do that to her?

"It's okay," she whispered to me, "If you let yourself go, let yourself feel, let yourself fall, I promise I'll catch you."

For the first time in a long time, I felt safe, I felt like nothing could touch me, I felt like everything was going to be okay as I wrapped my arms around Spencer. I felt her arms wrap gently, but securely around me.

"Spence?" I whispered.

"Yeah, Em?" she replied, waiting for me to say something else.

I wanted to be able to tell her that I was in love with her, too, but I wasn't sure if I was there yet. I wasn't ready to say those three little words, the words that seemed to plague me. I felt bad that I couldn't say them, but I knew she understood. Without having to say a word, she understood.

"You're the best," I told her, tightening my grip on her.

She chuckled lightly, "Only for you, Em, only for you."

**Spencer's POV**

I kissed Emily lightly on the forehead.

"Come on mopey, we've got school," I said responsibly, though truthfully I would have much rather stayed with Emily in my arms all day.

Emily groaned, "You really know how to ruin a moment, you know that?"

You might've thought she was angry, or even annoyed, okay, she was slightly annoyed, but you could see the beginnings of a smile playing at the edges of her lips.

"You know how much I love the first day of school," I defended myself futilely. It wasn't so much my love for school, which was a legitimate thing, but the attempt to reintegrate Emily into the rest of the world. She needed to go, whether she realized it or not.

Emily rolled her eyes at me.

I took her hand in mine as I led her back to the loft.

"I won't leave your side," I promised.

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**What do you think? Please review!**


	18. Chapter 16

**Emily's POV**

I was still kind of in denial at the end of the day. Spencer had been true to her word, and hadn't left my side all day. She'd even skipped her classes so she could be with me in mine. Her actions coincided with her confession this morning, but part of me still couldn't believe all of this.

I think part of it was that I'd always believed Spencer to be straight, even when I started questioning my own sexuality, and had gone through that short period of wondering what whether other people were actually as straight as they'd claimed, I'd always believed that Spencer was straight.

Then there was the part of me that believed that if I let myself love her, that she would end up dead. And there was no part of me that wanted that. That's why I'd tried to run away from her, but of course, that didn't work. That never worked.

I was starting to realize that it didn't matter anyway, because Spencer would never let me shut her out of my life, and on some level I knew that if I didn't shut her out that I would undoubtedly fall for her.

But then, the idea of not having Spencer in my life hurt. She'd been here for me for so long, even when I didn't deserve it. She'd been through the good times and the bad times, the easy times and the hard times, and she'd never left. Not once. Even when I'd left myself, she had still been there.

"What's going on in that pretty little head of yours?" Spencer asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

"I was just thinking," I responded.

Spencer looked at me, quirking an eyebrow. "About what?"

I quickly debated how to answer the question. I could make something up, but then, after everything that had happened, we'd agreed not to keep secrets anymore.

"You," I answered honestly.

Spencer smirked at me, "Oh really now?" She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"Spencer Hastings," I said, pretending to be appalled. This only caused her to grin wider.

"This morning," I said meekly, "Did you mean it?"

A part of me already knew that she did, but then, for some reason, I still needed the assurance.

"Every word," Spencer said sincerely. She paused for a moment before saying, "I'm curious, though, as to which part you were referring to."

"All of it, I guess," I answered.

I was at war with myself and I hated it. The biggest problem was that both sides of me wanted the same thing, they just saw the ways to getting it differently. I just wanted everyone to be safe and happy and healthy, and most importantly, alive.

"You can try all you want," Spencer said, "but you'll never get rid of me."

It was as though she was reading my mind, she knew I was trying to figure out what to do, not for my sake but for hers.

"Spence, I…"

"I know," she said, "But nothing's going to happen to me."

"You don't know that," I said.

"You're right, but we just came out of a year where any one of us could have died at any moment. There were a number of close calls, but you were living and loving more then, when we really did need to fear for our lives, than you are now."

I felt the tears falling from my eyes. I couldn't keep fighting myself. I couldn't keep fighting everyone else. And Spencer wouldn't let me even if I could, because Spencer loved me.

She had been right; I had loved more when our lives were in constant danger.

Spencer wiped the tears from my eyes, "I might not know what the future's going to bring," she admitted, "but in my heart, I know that we'll be okay."

There was no denying it anymore. I was falling for Spencer, and I was falling hard. But now it was okay, because Spencer was there, waiting to catch me.

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**What do you think? Please review!**


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